musings...

Im a fake Chicagoan. I’ve lived here long enough (in my past life) to know what to wear, how to look, where to go. Where not to go. But I’ve lived away for so long that my MN jeans fit too snuggly here. Or too loose. I cant decide which. NYE… a random party. Ive been to enough of these functions. Usually we’ll run into an old friend of h’s. That’s b/c we’re always in his freshman territory. Now were in mine.

So we take a cue from a new/old friend. A guy who has always been one of the nicest people on the planet. We meet up with him at a random party and I run into an old acquaintance. i don’t know if you’d even call him that. He never acknowledged me in hs. But I never wanted to be acknowledged by him. Short, smart and cocky as hell, I always hated my direct rivals. And, being told every day that you’re pretty actually does have an effect on your ego (no matter how much puppy fat you yourself have). So perhaps I used to be that cocky son-of-a-wretch. Maybe I distanced myself and became the exact asshole I was trying so hard to avoid.

Anyway, the kid insulted h. Not overtly or with malice. But with a cocky sense of self that I didn’t notice clearly until the fog lifted 24 hours later. “he’s so negative”…. Now, if he would have said that h was an asshole, I would have been proud. Odd as that may seem, he’s my asshole, and I’m damn proud of him for poking, prodding and creating mischief wherever he wishes. Especially if I’m in on the joke. However,… he said ‘negative’…. In a negative way. And then proceeded to be negative about the party, it’s people and the booze. Odd how people usually see their faults in others like that.

My favorite part about going to parties w/ h happened again. I’m relieved it can happen in any situation – even on my territory. Funny how I feel more comfortable in other people’s territory. Anyway… my favorite part is where h and i go to separate convos and periodically meet up to stick up for each other, jab a joke or share a cig. Then by the end of the night, one of us indicates departure time, and off we go together. Arm in arm, to sleep next to each other in whatever state of drunkenness we subjected ourselves to.

And the kid didn’t respect this. I don’t think he saw it for what it was. I don’t think he’s ever had a stable relationship where that would occur; where you can still maintain seperateness: where there is indugence in self and shared finding. mutual respect.

So he pissed me off b/c of his lack of respect for my relationship, however fucked up it is. but, i still had a great time at the party. and the hangover was definitely enough to make a new years resolution of less booze and cigs... owie. :o)