"aint got no time on my hands" and other phrases i thought i'd never say

it's been a long few weeks. extra food has been added to my plate, and i'm struggling to keep a balanced diet. i've never been one to take on more than i can handle. in fact, i've always been accused of slacking more than necessary. it's something i take a bit of pride in. back in college, my favorite prof commented on my GPA (which was 3.2). he said that it was ok for me to be a "B" student. when you're a "B" student, it probably means you can be an "A" student, but have a little too much going on in life to obtain the highest marks. a happy "B" student with "A" capabilities is more than likely an exemplary student: someone who can go out and meet new people at a party, who can enjoy a very late-night convo over coffee, who can philosophize for fun and still manage to attend classes, complete homework and impress professors. i guess the term is "well-rounded individual".

im thankful for my college and post-college experiences. yes, it means i dont have a high paying job, but no, i do not have gaping holes in my social life. this is not to condemn any fellow readers out there who are striving academically or in their careers! please no, i would never do that. in fact, some of my best friends have incredibly successful careers because of a few years of hard work and discipline. and, i'm not condemning my peers in slackerdom - we are worthwhile folk, busy or not. we have amazing minds and talents (and have to tell ourselves this every day).

it's the balance between the folk that tends to falter. i can feel the pressure from my artsy friends for me to be more creative - to publish, to volunteer, to push my artistic limits. i also feel the burn in my cheeks when my "friends with money" invite me to come eat at the newest bistro, or to help purchace beautiful things at the cute boutiques, and i am only able to be a voyeur.

the artsy friends can come across as insincere hipsters - working to accomplish personal goals instead of furthering a cause. the career folk sound materialistic and callous. sometimes i see that happen, but for the most part, it's a sincere focus on what makes that individual happy and satisfied in life. to put my efforts wholly into either of these categories would require a great sacrifice on either of the other horizon.

sometimes this push-me pull-you can really get me down. at it's greatest inflation is when i actually see how much i "slack" in life. how many hours have i "wasted" boozing it up with loved ones, exercising inside instead of outside, working a mindless job solely for it's benefits? this begs the question: am i bettering my person with these activities?

at the end of the day, my answer is usually an emphatic YES. lately it's been more and more difficult to arrive at this conclusion. too many things get in the way - things that force my attention forward or backward instead of settling down where i am at that moment. i am not striving for a big wallet (that would definitely make my ass look huge), or my name in lights (i'm publicly shy)... i am striving for a full heart, to be a positive influence, to smile as many real smiles as possible and to receive copious hugs filled with real love.

am i being kitschy? idealistic? rediculous? frankly, i dont really care, as long as at the end of the day, my nurse friend, my writer husband and my corporate self can sit down with a glass of wine and have a truely wonderful time of it.