for those who are in or around sane

Wednesday, March 22


i have a guilty conscience. when i do something bad, illegal, marginally decietful, i have what looks like to me as a black mark on my soul. a thumbprint inkpad smudge. if it's noticeable, i'll try to scrub it away with excuses and righteous indignation. ususally it only makes it worse. what i need is a Tide Stain Stick. i dont think they make those for the soul.

what i can do is pause, think and relax before i act. i am ultimately impatient, and i have at least a yearly lesson in it. one year i had to wait at the dmv for 2 hours only to be told they couldnt help me, and that i'd just have to wait 6 months for my license. one year i had to wait for my blonde friend b/c she wasnt as mature as the rest of my friends. this year, it appears i have to be patient with myself. to learn that i too need my own patience, and that it will benefit me to a huge degree in the end.

to all i have accused in the past: i am sorry. for most of my life, accusations were involuntary. i literally couldnt stop them from coming out of my mouth. some people dropped me, lost faith and trust in me b/c of this. b/c they felt i could control myself and that i was refusing to. perhaps they were right. i went to therapy and that was one (of many, many) issues i dealt with. i try hard, on a daily basis to remember what i learned.

and sometimes i fail.

i have friends who are amazing enough to roll with that punch. to look me in the eye and then walk away, swallowing pride... and with that turn, i understand what i've done. and it's my turn to swallow pride. to apologize. to rectify.

i have friends who come right back at me - who confront my wrongfulness head on. and in doing so, wear thier pride as a badge. and with that little shiny gleam of truth in thier eyes, i see what i've done and i swallow my pride. and i have to apologize. to rectify.

i am beginning to see an odd twist in this problem though. i havent fully focused on it. i need to stop, think and relax before i come up with a formed idea. but it has something to do with me always reacting poorly when someone else has "upset" me. "upset" covers a lot, which is why i need to think about this more. in doing so, i have transfered the hurt to them, nullifying or invalidating my own hurt.

i dont know what this exchange means, but it cant be good for either party. guess i've got a lot more patience to learn...


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