evolution

there are many things i cannot post about on this blog. this blog started out as a forum for my anonymous rants and thoughts; a safe place for my meditations. it's now a place where friends and family turn for insight into my life. as proud as i am that people care about me that much, its also a detriment to the blog itself. it becomes a difficult trough to fill - i dont want to put sludge in there. i want it filled with healthy things that inspire and encourage growth. i want to fill it with cheap laughs and snippets of wonderment. and of course, the very nature of the blog: a good bitch session or two. 

but to be honest, i am tired of creating stuff for everyone else. i'm tired of putting up PG pix and only posting about books and politics (wait, politics?). 

i want vent about the betrayals in my life. i want to pound my chest and shed snotty tears on my keyboard and clack out my woes until i feel better. i'm sick of being afraid of what people will think.

the past six months has been difficult and tumultuous, enlightening and relieving. all at once. today was a day where i felt all of those things in a 12 hour time span. i'm exhausted. 

i thought i was loved and respected by some, but i'm not. and when i look around corners, i'm finding amazing people i never expected. the former have all but literally crushed me, the latter are helping me keep my sanity.

for lent this year, i decided to stop feeling unnecessary guilt. i realize this is a task too large for a 40 day time span, but the guilt is so widespread that it's rather easy to start. i can literally pick and choose b/c in any one day, there is always some very obvious guilt that i do not need. 

today it's guilt over loss. i prolly shouldnt have picked such a big one for a wednesday - its been a long week at work already and i'm only halfway done. so i'll only think about certain losses. 

i once had an enviable support unit. this compact group of people who reacted instinctively and supported each other through thick and thin. 

...maybe i didnt. maybe it was never there. 

regardless, in my head i had it, and now that same group has cut off a limb - a living piece of it's own flesh. 

i could dwell on the decaying flesh, but since i'm changing my viewpoint, i choose to see that group as an asexual simple-celled organism. freed, the flesh develops it's own life, limbs and means of animation. it becomes more complex in and of itself than it had been as part of that group. 

it's a small shift of the mind, but it's a start.