dwelling...

i don’t know what the hell is wrong with me today. i seem to be going through a lot more emotions, and it’s conflicting with my normal state of mind. i know it’s mostly pms.

i don’t get cramps or chocolate cravings… i get weepy and introspective. things hurt a lot more than they normally would. rather, my head is forcing me to feel things that i wouldn’t normally let myself feel.

this may sound odd, but one of my fears is dwelling on toys. i don’t like going through the toy aisle at stores, or lingering too long in front of garden gnomes. i have an irrational love of inanimate objects with faces. i know what ruined me: stories like the velveteen rabbit and the brave little toaster. i hate thinking about the demise of things.

i am guessing this is so sharp in my head lately b/c of my dad. i watched his demise. it happened too quickly. faster than a child abandons a birthday teddy bear.

so i’m afraid of things going away. of bad change. a lot of stressful things are happening in my life right now (neverending…), and some of them risk incorporating bad change into my life. some of them are irrational stresses - things i know better than to dwell about. but once you start dwelling, it’s hard not to keep going.

blah.